Definition of Love

The article below was completed in early 2024 by Patricia and Henry Mitchell, shortly before Patricia's unexpected death. It was prompted by their son and daughter-in-law Jonathan and Hannah Mitchell, and was one of 59 questions posed to them requesting answers for Patricia and Henry's children and grandchildren, for a bound private family edition. Both responses to this question were written and edited in mutual consultation between Patricia and Henry, with the longer answer attributed to Henry because of the key contributions from his parents.

Question for Patricia and Henry: What is your definition of love?

Patricia's answer:

Henry's answer:

Patricia gave the really important answer to this question. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 is the best definition of love.

Since we are on the love topic, I want to share thoughts that are largely based on discussions my parents had with me as I became a teenager. Both Trubie and Mary wanted me to understand principles of romance that were important to them. They had apparently thought about these things and discussed them over a long period of time as their relationship had slowly developed from kinship to friendship to admitted romance to marriage and family.

My parents Mary and Trubie Mitchell, my mentors and role models, photographed at Thomas Jefferson's Monticello in Charlottesville, Virginia, 1960.

The most important ingredient in romantic relationships is constant meaningful conversation, carried out with absolute honesty and sincerity.

One example of how that works out is an adage, “Don't date them if you wouldn't mate them.” In other words, if you already sense that you wouldn't want to marry them, raise children and work on many other projects and goals together, and enjoy living with them for the rest of your lives, don't insincerely toy with their affections, making them think that you are attracted to them. That would be a lie from the start.

I applied that advice to my relationship with Tricia beginning in our first days together as 15-year-olds. Looking back, I visualize it as a ladder with four steps up:

Significant deepening of the love relationship occurs as the couple moves step by step up the ladder.

“Appreciation” implies attraction, friendship, comfort in being together, ease of conversation, and mutual interests and purposes.

“Devotion” occurs when the appreciation level is so high that the romantic focus is exclusively one-to-one.

“Trust” occurs when both partners have become fully confident in the other's devotion as well as their own.

With sufficient trust-proving experience, the couple can move from a conditional relationship to an unconditional relationship: absolute mutual “Commitment.”

Further Notes

The Jesus Factor: Commitment is ideally not just a contract between the pair, but also a Jesus-bond. When rungs of the ladder are damaged, a Jesus-empowered, supernaturally-assisted commitment is the “sky-hook” that holds the ladder upright and in place while repairs are made.

The Forgiveness Principle: Jesus said, “When you…pray, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him. Then your Father in heaven will forgive your sins also.” (Mark 11:25 NIV) It is a command with a huge promise. It may be the most important repair technique for damaged love ladders. It is important to exercise forgiveness in all relationships, but since romantic/marital relationships touch every possible topic and activity, and the devil likes to stir up marriage trouble, the chance for misunderstandings and hurts is great. But Jesus's promise is much greater, and a powerful healing/repair substance.

The Profound Mystery of Marriage: Paul revealed a big secret in Ephesians 5: 31-32. Marriage of a man and a woman is a picture of the relationship between Jesus and his Church, and Paul further explains our individual responsibilities in that passage. Surely the big reason the devil messes with marriages is that earthly marriage covenants are the clearest demonstration of the New Covenant, our relationship with Jesus.

Love's Source: Love is a spiritual substance that deeply affects the personality and physical nature of a person. Although we naturally and logically look for physical and personality evidences of love, and must train ourselves to better express love through those avenues, authentic love's actual source is elsewhere, in the spirit realm.

About Lovemaking: Lovemaking is an exhilarating and comforting affirmation and symbol of the completion of all four steps of the loving relationship, but it is not the relationship. Lovemaking may be limited or disappear entirely (medical complications, unavoidable separation, etc.) while appreciation, devotion, trust, and commitment remain unchanged.

About Hormones: Hormones are an integral part of romance, greatly affecting emotions and physical sensations, and facilitating reproduction. They are a marvelous “glue” in a romantic relationship. However, hormones can be addictive. If the hormonal patterns themselves become the goal, that quest may become destructive to the loving relationship. If hormones can be thought of as “glue,” consider hormonal-high-seeking to be like “glue sniffing.” Hormones notoriously ebb (especially) and flow with the passage of time, and therefore they are an unstable foundation for a long-term loving relationship. In other words, love is not the momentary feelings involving the partner. Love is the unbreakable commitment to the Holy covenant of marriage binding God and the couple. It's the same as the bond between Jesus and each one of us Christians.